


Clued

by Tallulah_Rasa



Category: House M.D., Leverage, Many others - Fandom, NCIS, Pushing Daisies, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crossover, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-22 08:43:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2501615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah_Rasa/pseuds/Tallulah_Rasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A murder mystery involving twenty-six fandoms, a victim who doesn't stay dead, and pie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clued

**Author's Note:**

> This will all make more sense (to the extent that it *can* make sense) if you're familiar with "Pushing Daisies" and "Stargate SG-1." If you're not, the salient points are these: Ned (who has no last name) makes great pies, and can bring the dead back to life. He's an obvious hire for pie-loving personnel of the SGC, or Stargate Command. Run by General Jack O'Neill, the SGC houses a secret military program involving instantaneous intergalactic travel. Prominent among the SGC's staff is archeologist (don't ask) Dr. Daniel Jackson, who's died a few times, but always recovered. Since the SGC is a military base, crimes occurring there may fall under the jurisdiction of NCIS, including Special Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo, and Mossad operative (don't ask) Ziva David.  
> This was written in 2009, and so involves fandoms from, or prior to, that time. The full fandom run-down is in the end notes.

1. 

Daniel looked up from the file he was reading and peered at the dark-haired man standing in front of his desk. "Oh, you're the new Egyptologist from Oxford!" he said. "Glad you could make it.  What's your name?" 

"Ramses Emerson," the young man said, extending a hand for Daniel to shake. 

Daniel looked at him curiously.  "You look too young to be—does this have something to do with the quantum mirror?  A hijacked puddle jumper?  The gate during sunspot activity?  Or did you run into a guy named Zathras?" 

"Actually," the man said.  "I was named for my great-grandfather." 

"Oh," Daniel said.  " _That's_ an explanation I don't hear a lot.  Well, anyway, how're you fitting in?" 

"Fine, except I can't get into the lab," Ramses Emerson said calmly.  "There's a dead body blocking the door." 

"We found a cache of mummies on P3X-721," Daniel explained.  "That's why we had to call you in." 

"This one's not a mummy.  Just a body." 

Without missing a beat, Daniel snagged a passing SF.  "Could you please get a couple of people down to the Archeology Lab?  We've got a body for the sarcophagus again."

 

2.

Over a desk piled high with files, budget reports, folders marked "Classified" in bright red letters, a yo-yo, and an assortment of pies, Jack filled in the investigators the Joint Chiefs had insisted on sending to the SGC. "I don't know why anyone would want to kill Ned," he finished.  "He made a  damn good pie."  He pushed a plateful toward the two investigators.  "Try some." 

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo reached out an eager hand, but pulled it back when his boss slapped him in the back of the head.  "As Special Agent Gibbs has to eloquently requested, I'll just go…secure the crime scene, interview the marines who knew the deceased, and…"

"Find me a cup of coffee," Gibbs said, picking up the plate of pie.

"On it, boss," Tony said.  
  
 

3.

Tony and his partner, Ziva David, entered the conference room set aside for the investigation, only to find a large black man in a green suit, orange and green patterned shirt, and green paisley tie sitting at the table. 

"We're NCIS," Tony said to the unidentified man, flashing his badge.  "What are you doing here?" 

The man flashed ID of his own.  "I was asked to investigate on behalf of the deceased's friends.  I'm Emerson Cod, P.I., here on the Q.T." 

"Oh.  Okay," Tony said.  "In that case…we have no clues.  You?" 

"Not a damn thing," Emerson said.  

"It is too bad that the dead man cannot awaken temporarily and tell us who committed the crime," Ziva mused. 

"Tell me about it," Emerson said. 

"What movies have the two of you been watching?" Tony asked, looking from Emerson to his partner.  "Dead people don't come back to life any more than…than dead parrots." 

"Uh, actually…" Sam said, coming into the room with a file folder and a sheepish look, "Ned's not so dead anymore."  She shrugged.  "It happens." 

The  three investigators stared at her. 

"It's classified," she added. 

"Well, this will make the investigation much easier," Tony said. 

"But it will make getting a conviction against the perpetrator much harder," Ziva noted sadly. 

"At least there'll be plenty of pie," Sam said encouragingly. 

 

4. 

"I wish I could say the butler did it," Ned said.  "But I can't.  It was the doctor." 

"How?" Gibbs asked. 

"In the infirmary.  With a syringe," Ned said.  "He's the type who's impressed with how clever he is; he probably kept it.  But you'd need a thief to get it – he keeps his office locked." 

"Not a problem," Jack said.  "Vala could---" 

"She's at that conference on—" Sam broke in. 

"That's okay," Jack said.  "She left me some names, just in case." 

 

4b. (Interlude) 

"So…" Daniel began.  "When you…" 

"Died?"  Ned asked. 

Daniel wrinkled his nose.  "Yeah.  That.  When you died, did you see a guy in a black robe?  Kind of…kind of a bony guy?" 

Ned grimaced.  "Yeah," he said uncomfortably.  "And…I could hear him, but not with my ears." 

Daniel nodded.  "Yeah.  And it was as if…" 

"He talked all in capitals," Ned said.  

The looked at each other. 

"There was also a rat," Ned admitted. 

Daniel looked at him.  "That's what Dr. Pierson over in Linguistics said after he…" 

They exchanged another look. 

"I need more coffee," Daniel said.  "And to translate something.  Anything." 

"And I need to bake some pies," Ned said. 

They left hurriedly.

 

5. 

Parker nodded at Jack.  "Okay, got it. "  She looked at Eliot.  "You distract.  I'll steal.  Piece of cake." 

"Actually, it's more pie than cake," Daniel said.

Everyone paused, clearly thinking:  "Mmmmmm.  Pie." 

"You know," Eliot said when the moment was over.  "This isn't strictly legal.  I mean, we can get the evidence, but it's not going to stand up in court."  

Everyone  looked at him. 

"I…used to be a lawyer," Eliot said.  "Long story." 

"Don't worry about the legalities," Daniel said.  "I…have a relationship with Alan Shore." 

"Who's Alan Shore?" Parker asked. 

"He works with Denny Crane," Daniel explained. 

"Denny Crane!" everyone repeated, nodding. 

"Okay, then," Eliot said.  "Let's get this show on the road."  
 

6.

Parker barreled into the investigators' meeting room.  "I didn't find a syringe, but I found this!" she announced, tossing a sonic screwdriver onto the conference table. 

Ned peered at the man following in Parker's wake.  "Uhhh...that's not the doctor," he said. 

"Of _course_ I'm the Doctor," Ten said.  "Ask Rose, here." 

"He is," Rose said from the Doctor's side. 

"But not the _right_ doctor," Ned said. 

"That's what I tried to tell the charming Ms. Parker," Ten said.  

Gibbs sighed, loudly.  "You can go," he told Ten.  

"Nice try, though," DiNozzo said to Parker, smiling broadly.  "Have you ever thought of a career in military law enforcement?" 

Parker beamed. 

"I don't suppose any of you have seen a police call box anywhere…?" the Doctor asked as he pocketed his screwdriver. 

"Oh, is that yours?"  Daniel said.  "They put it in my lab."   He glared at Jack.  "They put _everything_ in my lab.  Come on, I'll show you where it is."

 

7. 

Gibbs faced the doctor in Jack's office.  "We know you murdered Ned…uh, just Ned." 

"Well, duh, moron," House said, slapping Gibbs in the back of the head. 

"Uh, boss?" DiNozzo broke in.  "You do know Ned's not dead anymore, right?" 

"Damn," House said. 

"The C.I.A. _said_ we'd have problems if we hired you, Dr. House," Jack said.  "But I don't get it. Ned makes great pie.  Why'd you want to kill him?" 

"He keeps bringing people back to life!"  House groused.  "Do you know how busy the infirmary here is, with all the reanimated people running around?   I never get a minute to myself, between Ned and that idiot McKay, with his stupid citrus allergy." 

"Ah," Jack said.  "Well, that _is_ understandable.  But despite the fact that you had good cause, _and_ that Ned isn't technically dead, I'm going to have to reassign you."  He sighed.  "We've been through almost everybody with the right combination of brains and clearance.  Fraiser died, Lam ran off with Mitchell, and McCoy decided he'd rather go to the Academy. The only person left is  Brennan, from the Jeffersonian, and really, she's a lot better with dead people than live ones."  

"She'll love Ned," House said darkly. 

"We can only hope," Jack said.  "Anyway, the new post should be a good fit for you.  It's a small, government-run community, and everyone's a genius.  The weather's great, and the equipment's top notch.  Don't bug Sheriff Carter, and you should be okay."

 

8. 

After running home, setting a good selection of pies on his dining room table, and  putting up a pot of coffee, Jack  checked his watch and opened his front door.  "Right on time, Toby," he said approvingly.  "Thanks for coming by." 

Toby Zeigler waived off the pleasantries.  "Look Jack, we've known each other a long time.  President Bartlet was a big supporter of the program, and President Seaborn has to be physically restrained from running off to see the gate at least twice a week.  But you have leaks all over the place, and now that the program's public you just can't keep—" 

"Sit down," Jack interrupted.  "I'll get some coffee.  Help yourself to pie." 

Toby did.  "I'm the Director of Communications at the White House.   _Ag_ _ain._ I shouldn't have to deal with this crap," he complained around a mouthful of pie.  "It's bad enough we've got to cover for some ex-spy running around Miami with a suspected IRA terrorist, blowing up half the city…" 

Jack put a cup of coffee in front of him.  "Well, spies.  What can you do?" 

"I _hate_ spies," Toby agreed.  "I had to go a dinner honoring one the other night.  Forty-something years of service, the guy had, and I swear, his speech went on for that long at _least_."

"Have another piece of pie," Jack urged. 

"Who the hell names their kid 'Napoleon,' anyway?" Toby muttered. 

"Jack?" someone called from the door.  "Is the poker game still on for tonight?  I'm feeling lucky!" 

"Lily?" Jack said. 

"LILY?"  Toby repeated. 

"Toby!"  Lily squealed. 

"I take it you two know each other," Jack said as Lily wrapped herself around Toby. 

"I once did a little PR for the Darling Mermaid Darlings," Toby explained breathlessly through Lily's enthusiastic embrace. 

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"  Lily laughed. 

"Look," Jack said.  "I hate to interfere with your reunion, Toby, but…we've had a lot of resurrections and…stuff…lately.  Can you help us out, or not?" 

"My people will cover the PR," Toby said, "but we'll want something in return." 

"Our budget's tapped out, and we don't exactly have a Radar O'Reilly on staff," Jack said.  "What do you want?" 

"Pie," Toby said firmly.  "Lots and lots of pie." 

 

9. 

Back at his office, Jack thumbed through the  SGC budget while Walter Harriman looked on.  "I don't know how we're going to fund the program after next week," Jack said finally, tossing the report into his "out" box.  "Between Congress cutting our support, legal fees, 'consultant' fees, and pie ingredients, not to mention gate travel…"  He looked at Walter.  "I don't suppose the Asgard called offering us an obscene amount of money?" 

"No, Sir," Walter said.  "But a man called from the Travel Channel, wanting to know if Anthony Bourdain could feature the SGC commissary on his show.  Apparently they're willing to pay big bucks for an exclusive." 

Jack's eyes lit up.  "I wonder if he'd be interested in that restaurant Teal'c likes so much on Chulak?"  
 

10. 

Jack stretched out on his roof under a clear night sky with his best friend, a half-eaten apple-rhubarb pie, and a cooler of beers beside him.

"What a day, huh?" Daniel said. 

"Well, it all worked out, thanks to my superior strategic skills," Jack said.  He swallowed a mouthful of beer and leaned back.  "You know, I used to know this Colonel.  John Smith.  Everyone called him Hannibal." 

"The real Hannibal," Daniel interjected, "was often con—" 

" _My_ Hannibal," Jack said over him, "had a team.  And they were always taking on impossible missions, but somehow things always worked out.  And every time, when the whole thing was over, he'd say the same thing." 

Daniel smiled indulgently.  "And that was…?" 

" ' I love it when a man runs forever,' " Jack recited solemnly. 

Daniel looked at his beer, looked at Jack's beer, and then looked at Jack. "What…?"  

"Whenever I saw him, bourbon was involved," Jack said.  "I may not have gotten that quite right." 

"Ooo-kay," Daniel said.  "You want some more pie?" 

"Yeah," Jack said.  "But it's getting cold out.  Let's take everything inside and watch some TV.  I think 'Buffy' is on." 

Daniel got up.  "Not 'Buffy,' Jack," he said.  "You know how I feel about that.  It's just too unbelievable." 

Jack stood, too, and put an arm around Daniel's shoulders.  "I know," he said.  "But given our lives, that's kind of nice, isn't it?" 

END  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> The crossover count encompasses two book series, 23 TV shows, and one movie. (I'm not counting the "Clue" references, "Stargate SG-1" or "Pushing Daisies.") By section, the fandoms are:
> 
> 1\. The original Ramses Emerson (born 1887) was the son of Amelia Peabody and Radcliff Emerson, Egyptologists and sleuths in a series of (fun!) murder mysteries written by Elizabeth Peters. Zathras was a character on "Babylon 5" who lived both in the present and the past.  
> 2\. Gibbs and Tony DiNozzo are from "NCIS"...  
> 3\. as is Ziva. Tony, who loves pop culture, is referencing a "Monty Python" sketch. Emerson, by the way, is from "Pushing Daisies."  
> 4b. Ned and Daniel are comparing notes on Death and the Death of Rats from Terry Pratchett's "Discworld" books. Dr. Pierson is also known as Methos, the oldest Immortal, from "Highlander."  
> 5\. Parker and Eliot are from "Leverage." Chris Kane, who plays Eliot, also played a lawyer on "Angel." "Mmm, pie," is a "Simpsons" reference. Alan Shore and Denny Crane are from "Boston Legal"; Shore was played by James Spader, the original Daniel Jackson.  
> 6\. The Tenth Doctor and Rose are from "Doctor Who." DiNozzo is adapting Sonny's words to Rico in the first and very last episodes of "Miami Vice."  
> 7\. House is from "House, M.D."; in my head he left PPTH for the SGC years ago. McCoy is ST:Reboot. Brennan is the forensic anthropologist from "Bones." McKay is from SGA, and Sheriff Carter hails from "Eureka," where House would fit right in.  
> 8\. Toby, Bartlet, and Sam Seaborn are all from "The West Wing." The ex-spy in Miami is Michael Westen, who blows things up with his ex-IRA sort-of girlfriend Fiona in "Burn Notice." The retiring spy is Napoleon Solo from "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." (His partner Illya was played by David McCallum, who's Ducky on NCIS. I should have worked that in there.) Just to clarify, Lily was half of a synchronized swimming team, the Darling Mermaid Darlings, on "Pushing Daisies." Radar O'Reilly is from "M*A*S*H."  
> 9\. Anthony Bourdain had an excellent travel/food show called "No Reservations."  
> 10\. Col. John "Hannibal" Smith of "The A-Team" always used to say, "I love it when a plan comes together." And Buffy's a vampire slayer, but you knew that.  
> I think that's it.


End file.
